i sing, i dance, i fall down

I think I have the worst case of winter blues in history. It's bad, I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. When I'm not at work, I just sit around my house, reading or watching movies. I don't know how to fix it. I try different thinks, like crocheting or editing some photos, but I get bored easily and my mind starts to wander. Then I start to think about my life, and where it's headed and I get depressed.

My friend asked me a question the other day, the "what do you want to do with you life" one. That has always been a tricky question, because I never know the answer. I always feel like I should say something to fill in the blank, but I know it will be a lie. And I'm not very content with the "i don't know" answer. That's something that tops the "things to figure out list", which is getting very lengthy.

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things." Donald Miller

I want to run, not stroll. I don't want to take it easy and let God be in control. I want to do things my way. That's when I get into trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.




trust is like jumping off a bridge, without any guarantee that you will be caught, just a belief that you will be caught. yet God tells us over and over again that he will catch us. and over and over again we don't believe him. so we never jump. we stand at the edge of the rail, looking over the water, and contemplate what will happen if we do jump. we think it through, decide it's crazy, and go back to whatever it was we were doing before. i'm beginning to think i'm missing out on something, and i'm ready to jump.

hastily bought gifts, limp leftover roses, candy hearts with implying messages...oh yes, it's valentines day. the time of year when romance abounds and going out to dinner is impossible (unless you go to IHOP).

i'm not bitter, really i'm not. i like the concept of valentines day. i consider myself a very romantic person. i love displays of affection, romantic comedies are my favorite movies. i love great proposal stories. weddings, i love every aspect of weddings.

but valentines day, i do not get valentines day. one day out of 365 to tell your loved one you love them? what a gimmick.

one day to make singles more aware of their situation?
thats cruel.

what if every three to four months, couples had their own valentine days? we could call them "me lovee you" days and flowers would not be expected because they were given freely on a wednesday for no apparent reason.

no material goods would be needed to prove your devotion to someone. picnics would be random and happen indoors or out, despite of the weather. handwritten notes appear magically on pillows and breakfast is served in bed, at eleven at night or during the middle of the day.

spontaneous dancing (preferably a waltz, but anything goes) could happen with or with music.

only in a perfect world, i guess...

yesterday i wore a bright pink skirt with blue and yellow flowers and a yellow vest.

why should you care? you ask...

i don't know why you should care, but it made a difference to my day.

the day started out sunny and bright. i woke feeling refreshed and cheered as the day wore on, rain started to pour, wind started to blow and sleepiness settled into my bones. it almost ruined me day, almost. but then i remembered i was wearing pink, and the day didn't seem so dreary.

the spa i work at is redecorating, and there are a million (literally, a million) paint samples all over the place. every color imaginable is in consideration for the honor of being on our walls. blues, greens, yellows, every shade is in the running.

i look at these colors and think, God is so cool. no really, he's cool. he came up with all these colors. God is the ultimate interior (and exterior) decorator. he created waters in every hue of blue, tropical rainforests are a vibrant green. flowers so bright and magnificent in various purples and pinks. God created everything, yet he took the time to make it beautiful. if that isn't attention to detail, i don't know what is...

it's 8:08 am, and i have the place all to myself

this is my favorite time of day. it's so quiet and peaceful and right now, i don't answer to anybody.

i make myself a cup of coffee, lots of cream, and check emails and facebook, then i read everybody's blog. if i'm bored i check cnn, but that's only if i'm bored.

last night at bible study we talked about how God designed each of us differently, how we are each made for a purpose. i think that's cool. the world is all "you are a spontaneous combustion of particles" and God is all "i formed you, knit you together, i knew you inside and out before you even existed". i think that is most amazing thing i have ever heard. i am not some haphazard cells bunched together, i am knit, woven together. intricately designed by a designer who knows every part of me.

it's pretty sweet

i bought strawberry ice cream last night...and left it at the girls house.

bad move.

i had a craving for strawberry ice cream last night right before bed, and there was no way i could satisfy it. it was very agonizing.

i hate when i do that...

i have decided to challenge myself by taking one picture everyday. it's doesn't have to be of something special, it just has to be one picture. one picture per day for a year.

also, i have to write a list of my goals i want to accomplish this year

i have alot on my to-do list, maybe i should start on it.

the other day, in church, we talk about the sabbath year. the sabbath year happened when farmers in the old testament took every seventh year off-no crops were planted, no fields harvested. all work ceased for one whole year. the farmers would have to work extra hard during the sixth year, to ensure that they would have enough to last the next three years.

God promised the farmers they if they obeyed this, he would bless them. nobody did.

not one person decided to test God on his offer, nobody received any blessings.

i think that is sad. but then, i do that in my own life. God has promised me so many things, but how often do i let him bless me?

Psalm 103:2-5

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's

that is all we need today...